The Transformer's Guide to the Galaxy
by Dancingdog
Summary: A parody concerning the world of Transformers and the most improbable book in the Universe: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Beware of brain-smashing drinks, manically depressed robots, infinite improbability drives and much more processor-crashing concepts! And don't forget: DON'T PANIC! Disclaimer: I don't own any of Douglas Adams' work...yet...
1. An introduction to the Universe

_An introduction to life, the Universe and everything in it_

"Incoming!" Shrieked Red Alert as a high-speed, silver object ripped up the stratosphere, the atmosphere and any other sphere that happened to be in its trajectory path.

In the galaxy of Alpha-B Zeta, there is a small insignificant yellow orb, or 'sun' as some ridiculously primitive carbon life forms refer to it as. Around this sun orbits an even more significant orb of dull nature, consisting of green and blue, which even the more complex life forms (or at least those who don't find research to be below their intelligence) refer to as 'Earth'. This boorish pinprick of a planet, whence the cybernetic screech came from, was home to not only said ridiculously primitive life forms, but also alien machines waging war between themselves due to an act of civil injustice on the metallic planet of Cybertron. The planet's inhabitants were divided into two separate factions: Autobots and Decepticons.

The Autobots, originally under the corruption of Sentinel Prime (who was later discovered to be a late descendant of the leader of the ferocious 'Flatulence Tribe' - however ironic that may seem - but was so far removed that the only known comparisons between the two were Sentinel's concerning dreams of pink, fluffy cyberwolves and their half-cyberduck masters who spoke to each other in Flemish and rode the backs of their oddly attractive wolves), were under an oath to protect life on the incredibly boring planet Earth from the supposedly evil Decepticons, which was pointless in retrospect because it wasn't the Earthlings who started the war, so why didn't the tin cans just leave?

The Decepticons, on the other hand, didn't believe that the Autobots had changed one bit, even after the death of Sentinel Prime and the rising of Optimus Prime, whom everybody believed to have been chosen by the all-powerful Matrix of Leadership, but in reality had actually been at the epicentre of a time-flux, wherein life had paused for a fraction of a second (it happens regularly) for everyone except Optimus Prime, which inevitably lead to the Matrix resetting and latching onto the nearest abnormality which could possibly be an exception to the sea of plebs surrounding it. The lucky life form chosen was called Phil from the planet 'Phil', but he unfortunately tripped three seconds after being chosen and died on impact, which was a shame because it was his first time on holiday. Thankfully, Optimus was in close vicinity and the Matrix decided (rather reluctantly) "_He'll do for now,_" and the young Orion Pax had his name changed, appearance renewed and was soon assigned to the homicidal crew he has today. The young Optimus was completely content, formed many friendships and finally had the courage to talk to his high-school sweet-spark, Elita One, where he promptly fell in love, bonded and was endlessly happy until the gladiator from the pits of Kaon decided to drop the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' bombs over different parts of Cybertron. Three hundred million years later and the war ensues over raiding energon on planet Earth (which could all be prevented if the Autobots just gave the Decepticons some of their seemingly endless supply of the life-giving substance, free of charge).

As it was, the Decepticons believed that because of the unfair treatment in Cybertron under the rule of Sentinel; where Seekers could not walk on the streets without being sexually harassed and most Kaon gladiators could not walk on the streets _to_ be sexually harassed; where most of the now-formed Decepticons had cuts to their wages, meaning most lived on the streets or in slums and many killed their offspring in an attempt to save them from the horrors of life; where many mechs and femmes alike had to do unthinkable deeds to feed their families whilst the high-Autobot council sat on their fat backsides and laughed at the poverty surrounding them, chugging potent brews of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters (which they say is like having your processor smashed out with a lemon wrapped around a large, gold brick). It's no wonder the Decepticons have a grudge against life, the universe and everything in it.

And the number forty-two.


	2. A brief interlude

_A brief interlude_

In the Galaxy's best-selling novel "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", there is a section on 'how to end a war'. This is what is says:

_'How to end a war: The planet's inhabitants undergoing war should be given ten minutes notice to get to the nearest pub and down six drinks whilst wearing brown paper bags over their heads and lying on the floor, before the planet is promptly eaten by a large, metallic planet-eater to make way for an intergalactic bypass to get from point A to point B and B to A in the quickest time possible, whilst those at point C wonder what's so interesting about point A and B and wish that everyone would just make their mind up on where they want to go.'_

In the not-as-popular 'Encyclopaedia Galactica', there is also a section on how to end a war, which states that _'all parties undertaking war should make a temporary cease-fire wherein the leaders of all parties should rendezvous and negotiate the terms of a possible treaty. All parties should then dismiss any grudges and civilisation should return to being peaceful where everyone is everyone's neighbour'._

But this is yet to be scientifically proven.


End file.
